Age of Insecurity

GOOD NEWS: 

Hurricane Crimes won silver in the 2019 Readers’ Favorite Award Contest in the Fiction - Short Story/Novella genre! ‬

Write with Fey: 10 Sparks to Guide You from Idea to Publication won bronze in the 2019 Readers’ Favorite Award Contest in the Non-Fiction Writing/Publishing genre! ‬

~*~

It has been a while since I’ve talked about an insecurity…other than sharing my story about my depression and burnout.

So, here is an insecurity that I’ve dealt with on and off since I started blogging and publishing…one I don’t like to talk about…my age.

When I started blogging, I knew I wouldn’t share my age, because I didn’t want anyone to use my age against me, discount my advice as coming from someone “too young,” who couldn’t possibly know anything about writing, etc.

I was fortunate that the blogosphere didn’t seem to mind that I looked like a toddler in my profile photo, that my posts mattered more. Thank you!

But I’ve been more active lately in going out into the world as Chrys Fey the author, and my age insecurity has only heightened.

How Old Are You?

Last year I was invited to give a speech during a luncheon. After my speech and selling a few copies of my books, a lady and her friend came up to me and asked me my age, a question I regret. I played along asking her how old she thinks I am. She said, “Seventeen.”

Me: *blink blink*

In my speech, I had said I had been writing since twelve and at seventeen I’d encountered my first writer’s block, which had been many, many years ago. Obviously, I was no longer seventeen.

I ended up revealing my age to her and her friend, although I hadn’t wanted to, and I shouldn’t have felt that I needed to, but she had kept on pressing.

Would you like a side of age with your lunch?

This year, I attended a lunch with my  TWRP publisher and a handful of local authors. I was the last author to arrive (but I was there before my publisher), and I noticed right away that I was the youngest one in attendance, and they all noticed it, too. (Although there was a woman there closer to my age, but the thing was…she didn’t look sixteen, as I do in person.) I saw the surprise in their eyes that I was the author, that I didn’t come with the author. After I introduced myself, they all shifted away. None of them talked to me. I sat there regretting my decision to come. When my publisher got there, she also had a slight reaction when I said, “I’m Chrys.” She cocked her head to the side and paused with a frozen smile, like “Really?” It wasn’t until I started to offer a misguided, new author advice when the others there started to realize that, although I may look like a teeny-bopper, I had good info and lot of experience.

From One Age to Another Age

At a writer’s meeting this year, a woman pointed out her white hair to me when she said she didn’t know what a blog was. Then she mentioned that although she may not know things I know (newer technology), that there are things she knows that I’ve probably never even seen before, like a rotary phone. I laughed at that and joked along, saying that I have seen rotary phones and had played with them when I was younger. (In fact, I know how to use them. I just never owned one.) Despite my light-heartedness, my insecurity bubbled up inside…my age was front and center again. When this happens, I resort to saying one sentence, which comes out when I am extremely insecure, “I look and sound a lot younger than I actually am.”

Looking Younger, Being Young

Many people will say it’s a good thing to look younger than your age, that you will be happy for that in your old age; I hear that all the time, but in professional situations, it can make people see and think of you differently.

Age shouldn’t matter.

Whether you are young, mature, look younger than your age, or are younger than others around you and look younger to boot.

Ageism Sucks

Age doesn’t equate to what a person knows or their experience. This goes for the old and the young.

Even at the flea market while buying veggies with my mom and sister and nephews, I got asked by the booth owner if I was going to school locally. My jaw almost dropped. I said, "Oh no, I am waaaay past school." He then made a joke to my mom, guessing my age to be much younger than it is. I guess because I look young, and my mom lives with me, and I bring her to many places (I only have one car, and we both use it...we're two peas in a pod, really) that makes me seem even younger than I am. But I can show you the wrinkles across my forehead that don't lie.

One day, I may be less insecure about my age, but until then, whenever someone asks how old I am or I see in their eyes that they are dismissing me professionally for how young I look, I shrink inside, much like the child they think I am.

Added: If people thought I was younger just randomly, I'd shrug about it, but with my writing/publishing, etc., it bothers me when I see those reactions or get those statements. 

GUESS: I won’t reveal my age or even indicate if someone is close or spot-on, but go ahead and take a guess for how old you think I am. I won't mind. This time. It'll be interesting to see your guesses. ;)

QUESTION: Has ageism ever affected you?